The boys in my life...

It's not often that I'm not with Michael outside of work so when something funny happens and I have to hear it 2nd hand I'm both happy that I get to hear about it and sad that I missed it.

The other day Brent was driving Michael to meet me at work when Michael's little voice pipes up in the back..."Daddy, my teeth are getting bigger!"

Michael was chewing on a candy cane and the candy was sticking to his teeth. I'm still laughing. Ha!

On Brent - He called me to tell me he had an Indiana Jones moment. He had exited the house through the garage having closed the door and ran to get out when he realized his keys were still in the house and he'd have no access to get them. So...he DOVE under the closing garage door just barely making it in on time. Whew! That was close :)

These are the boys in my life. Laugh on...

Letters to Santa

All week long we'd been prepping Michael to get ready to visit Santa and remember what he was going to ask him for Christmas. He even received a letter from the Christmas guy himself and one from Bwutus (Rudolph) the wed nose weindeea.

Michael has been very serious and industrious in his approach to the formalities of asking Santa for his gifts. He very patiently sat right in front of the stage where Santa and Mrs. Claus were visiting with all the children until it was his turn. Then he unleashed this huge list of toys he'd never told us he wanted??? No idea where he was storing those ideas.

But the funniest thing occurred when we wrote his letter to Santa. I sat with him and explained that he would write a letter to Santa thanking him for his letter and letting Santa know that he was so happy to be on the Nice list (he got a certificate signed by Mr. C, Bernard the Chief Elf and a hoof print from Bwutus). So he prepares his letter and hands it to me explaining that one little spot was Santa's nose and the big blob on the top of the letter was Santa. At the bottom he wrote his letters to Santa. There was an 'A', a 'C' an 'L' that looked like a backwards 7, an 'M', his favorite letter, an 'i', because it has a dot on top like sundaes, an 'R' that looked like a marshmallow on legs and an 'H'. Letters to Santa. They happen to be the letters in his name with the exception of the e as he always forget how the e goes but he emphatically insists that he wasn't writing his name. They are his "...WETTERs to Santa, Mommy. huh. Don't ask me again."

AND I'm not allowed to mail it to Santa because "...he might not get it because sometimes mail gets wost and he wants to hand it to him hisself to make sure Santa gets it because he wants to make sure Santa gets his wetter because he weally wikes the Chwistmas Guy and he's on the nice list and..."

I'm still laughing...

The Christmas Guy

Michael calls Santa Cwaus the Christmas Guy. This is really a Mikumism however it's longer than just a phrase...it's the entire concept. So says Michael...

"The Cwistmas Guy wides his weindeer and gives good boys and giwews pwesents and tuff (stuff) but he's not weal he's pwetend but he brings us tuff and sometimes if you have a chimnee he comes down but he doesn't get burned by the fire cuz he knows a secwet way and then he eats cookies and drinks chocwatey miwk and goes to see Weece." (Reece is his best friend)

Michael's Dreams

Been a while but I have some really great new material so I will TRY to post them all in this next month.

Top of this list for today...Michael's Dreams. On the weekends we take our time getting out of bed (Michael inevitably has crawled in with us) and upon waking we ask what dreams Michael had.

So you all know where this is going. Surreal plus 3.5. It doesn't get any funnier.

Last night's dream:
Me: What did you dream about?
Michael: Red Robin (pronounced Wed Wobin)
Me: Did you have their yummy Macaroni and Cheese?
Michael reflectively: No...they were cwosed. So I went somepwace ewse.
Me: Oh. Where did you go?
Michael: Home Depot. They had wots of tuff.
Me: Did you eat there?
Michael: I had a hotdog. Then I went home. The end.

The night before:
Me: Did you dream last night?
Michael: Yeah. I dreamed about Batman. He was fwying all around and around and kiwwing all the bad guys. Mommy why are there bad guys?
Me: So Batman has a job.
Michael: Oh. Huh. Well Batman was saving all the people. The end.

When I get a new camera I will post a really funny video of him jamming on his air guitar. He came home one day and just did this. Jammed out, told me to rock out and went on his merry way.

New Mikumisms

These are more actual scenarios that are too funny to not post.

On getting up from the table at dinner time: 

Me:  Michael, where are you going?  You have food to eat.

Michael: Mommy, I need to make more room! (Spoken in a very exxasperated tone with his hands flipped up)

Me: How do you make more room?

Michael:  First you poop, then you go pee, then you have more room for Macaroni and Cheese.  

On going out to eat:

Memaw: Michael, we're going to meet you're mommy for dinner at Bob Evans. 

Michael:  I don't like Bob Evans.  I like Wed Wobin

When I pick him up from daycare and they are on the playground:

Michael: Not yet mommy.  I don't want you here.  I'm not ready

On drop-off:

Michael: don't weave mommy.  Wait 5 minutes until I'm ready.

When I say the F word:

Michael:  Mommy.  Fuck is a bad word.  You shouldn't say fuck.  Why did you say fuck?  Do you like to say fuck?  I'm not allowed to say fuck cuz it's a bad word.  Mommy, I don't say fuck.  You shouldn't say fuck.  Mommy, don't say fuck any more ever again.

Me: OK

On this day...

On this day in 2008 something funny happened but I can't remember what it was...damn useless brain...

It's Kind of Funny

My son has this new thing where he says or does really silly or mundane things and then asks me if it's funny.  It's cute and oddly comforting knowing that he wants approval for making us laugh.  My answer is usually, "yeah, bud, that's funny" or "well it's kind of funny".  

Then we rented Be Kind Rewind.  It's truly an awful movie but there are some really funny moments with Jack Black and Mos Def or whatever his name is when they are doing the Sweded thing.  (I'm not going to spoil this masterpiece for you.  Just rent it and don't expect too much. You can really skip the beginning and end and get the good stuff from the middle if you like.)

My point...there is a scene in the movie where Jack Black is dressed up as RoboCop and he's in character talking like him.  Something happens and he responds in the RoboCop voice..."It's kind of funny".

I of course think this is hilarious and now my response to Michael is my version of the RoboCop voice (all nasally due to my tonsillectomy) "It's kind of funny".  He doesn't get it.  In fact he'll say, "Mommy that's not funny.  Don't do that voice anymore."  HA!

On another note - it's bad movie month for me...don't rent The Lost Boys Tribe movie....the only good thing is that it's short.

Tonsillectomy...schmonsillectomy

So I get my entire throat gutted out...literally. My huge-ass tonsils along with my soft palate which includes that little dangly thing at the back of your throat - all gone. I feel like the inside of a pumpkin at Halloween. Anyone have a candle? Maybe one of those new electric flames so I don't burn the roof of my mouth would be best.

It's funny how doctors and even those that have gone through a procedure will gloss over or even forget the details of how crappy the ordeal truly is.

• I was told I would be out of commission for 10 days to two weeks. Pretty accurate. I returned to work on day 13.
• I was told the pain was awful. True - definitely blows away childbirth and I had back labor so it was rather excruciating.
• I would have limited ability to eat and drinking liquids quickly might come out my nose. True. In fact its quite funny to do on purpose if I can suffer the pain. My son thinks is hilarious - "Mommy blow the water out your nose again..."
• I might sound nasally. Well I don't sound like Fran Dresher in the Nanny but I do sound like I was born partially deaf. At least to me - others say I sound different - don't be polite just tell me. It's kind of funny. (It's kind of funny in a Jack Black robocop voice - now that's funny - rent Be Kind Rewind but don't expect too much)
• I would lose weight - woohoo - hell yeah I did and I'm still losing so yippee for me.

Here's what no one told me (some of these are funny - you have to picture me stumbling all mediciney headed around my house in bed clothes, hair all in disarray, afraid to talk or swallow, starving and dying of thirst):

• The pain medication hurt so bad to take that I didn't want to take it but suffered through it to be able to sleep or drink
• Codeine is your friend
• You can't stop a sneeze no matter what
• Sneezing is excruciating when your throat has been gutted
• Coughing is right up there with sneezing
• Yawning is excruciating - maybe topping sneezing due to frequency
• Excruciating as a term for the pain doesn't truly do it justice
• Salivating makes you have to spit - constantly - I hate to spit
• That funky smell is your throat rotting or something - healing???
• Coffee makes the stench worse
• Brushing your teeth is a dangerous and treacherous ordeal
• Something messes with your body's ability to process what it's taking in resulting in unexpected and uncontrollable BM's
• You can't shout at your suicidal pre-schooler
• Liquid diets are boring
• Jello for every meal for two weeks SUCKS!
• Chicken broth is not a beverage
• You can't blend a salad enough to make it palatable

But I'm back to work and my regular schedule. I can't eat or drink, talking hurts and I can't seem to stop the damned yawning.

Supposedly I will not get as sick anymore and I sleep without a snore.

Was it worth it? Dunno - that may be a future blog.

Mikum-isms

OK...OK I know kids say the darndest things...BUT...this is MY kid and he's got some whoosies. So this is my tribute/log-for-his-18th-b-day/funny shit list of some of my favorite Mikum-isms. And of course as I write this I can not recall the best ones. I will be adding to this tho so stay tuned.

1. Mikum - he used to refer to himself as Mikum. This was when he was around 2 and he was really starting to talk well. Now he's 3 and he's Mikoh.
2. Ga-Ga, Shasha and Sheeshoe - His imaginary friends. He used to call them his buddies and then I asked him their names. It's even funnier that their names are always the same and they always appear in this order.
   
1. Ga-Ga works with Daddy. He was Michael's first imaginary wrestling partner. Now they play soccer in the living room. Ga-Ga is always the goalie and Michael always scores on him. He sucks as a goalie. He can't bat for shit either. AND we can't teach him because HE'S NOT REAL MOMMY!!!
2. Ga-Ga is not allowed over right now because he keeps shooting Michael and I have to dig out the bullets and make the wounds heal for the next round. Ga-Ga drives a cool, fast car that Mommy can't catch because her car is too slooooooow.
3. Ga-Ga likes ice cream and Michael insists that I make him a bowl when Michael gets one. We have lots of chocolate soup.
4. Shasha is a girl but not Michael's girlfriend. They are just friends. Michael has girlfriends at school. It's a toss up between Abby, Alena and Payton.
5. Sheeshoe (another boy) doesn't work. He doesn't have a job. I think he's just lazy and plays video games all day.
3. What the heck? - I told him this wasn't a bad word so now he uses it all the time. What the heck?
4. I'm quishing you head - Guess what we taught him to do :D Notice no 'S' He leaves it out for words like school and stool. Stinker
5. I'm not a 'tinker mommy - See number 4
6. I'm not a little Sit...I'm a BIG Sit - some 'S' words are pronounced without the 'Sh' sound.
7. Mommy it's ok I say Hell because that's not a bad word. That's a place - Whoa! - now I KNOW he didn't get this from me. I'm saving the my-little-angel-is-going-to-hell speech for much later.
8. Oh snap - thanks Rachel. And he says this with the snap and the head thing. My son the diva.

Gots more coming later gators

I could lose my job for this - Red Lobster sucks - G0 because crappy service isn't funny

What an excuse for passing the buck and not being accountable for crappy actions. I don't know when it happened...I was busy continuing my education so I could get out of the restaurant/bar business...but somewhere along the way good customer service or at the very least customer service was shoved behind the accountability curtain.

When I did work in the hospitality industry and in retail I always hated the notion that the customer is always right. I remember clearly that people would use this to their advantage. But I always tried my best to help people and own up to anything I could be held accountable for.

So now that I am in a completely different industry I find myself at the behest of those still in hospitality and the bar has most certainly dropped - damn near to the floor if you ask me.

Why did I write this? Well normally I would address an issue head on with whomever can effectively make it right or make me feel like they can. In this case I feel as thought the entire corporation is not adequately responsive so I must speak out and warn others of the dangers of crappy service.

I recently had a less-than-satisfying experience at Red Lobster. I can not recall when we went there previously but I know it had been a while and now I remember why.

It was late on a Sunday evening - 8pm-ish. The restaurant hours of operation posted stated they would be open until 9pm. We were seated fairly quickly. Our server came over and offered drinks and perhaps stated her name. We ordered. Then we waited. During this wait we witnessed several employees going through closing motions. We felt rushed and in the way but still we waited. When we finally received our salads I remember thinking - these are rather skimpy even for side salads. Then I overheard our waitress tell her next table that the salads are no good and that she did not recommend them - to which she addressed us and said - 'Oh, but yours are ok."

Then we waited. During that time we were given some rolls. When our meals finally arrived my famished toddler was more than ready to go to town on his food, but as any toddler mom surely knows he could not eat without a side of ranch dressing. So the side I requested showed up after I had shared my meal with my son and he was no longer interested in his. so we packed his to go.
We received the bill very promptly, paid and left our packaged food on the table and left. After buckling my son in and heading out of the shopping complex we realized we had forgotten the to go box. So we turned around. It was now 9:04pm. The doors were locked so we knocked. 4 employees walked by, saw us, shook their heads and not one addressed us. So the knocking became constant pounding. Perhaps they could not actually see or hear us. When that produced no results we tried laying on the horn of the car.

A manager finally came to the door and shouted through it. "We're closed" We stated we knew that. Pretty obvious. but we could see our to go box on our table that hadn't yet been cleared and just wanted it so we could be on our merry way.

So she goes and gets the box, opens the door, hands it out and says, "I could be fired for this." to which we responded that she should probably worry more about the complaint we're going to send in than the fact that she opened the door. So our crappy service ended with a chastising from a pitiful chain manager who didn't have the decency to address us as normal people. We don't look threatening. People don't knock on doors unless they really want something.

This brings up another point though. We've become a society of hiders. We hide behind the notion that you can't trust anyone these days or some company policy designed to protect those who don't know any better. But what really is happening is that accountability is chucked out the window and people no longer have to think for themselves. I think it's sad and if any of you ever catch me doing any of that crap I want you to kick me in the head.

Those awkward public restroom sounds

You all know what I'm talking about, farting, poop plopping and the occasional buzzing...yes I said buzzing.

If you are like me (boy do I hope you're not - it's crazy in here) then trips to public restrooms are a trial in self-control. I always have been and will always be hyper sensitive to bodily sounds in public places where I don't know anyone. Totally different story amongst super close friends and family though as I know many of you can attest.

The other day I was in a stall and there was someone in the stall next to me equally sensitive from what I could tell - you know not making any noise but very noisily running the toilet paper roll around and around. I took note of her shoes - not sure why I did but I always do and I am of course assuming she was a she. They were brown snake-skin open toe mules with thick black heels at about an inch. If my sisters were with me they could have told you the designer. I'm not that good or that interested.

So I finish quietly of course, exit the stall and proceed to wash my hands vigorously - I've become a bit obsessed with clean hands. Actually I was stalling. As I was exiting the stall I heard a very distinctive and tell-tale buzzing. Oh yeah - I said buzzing. It was brief but I know that's what I heard. So in my head little Kryspy was saying - "There is no f-ing way that's what you think it is - you're at WORK???!!!" Well I couldn't hear it while the water was running but as soon as I turned off the faucet there it was again. And it was intermittent so I could hear it going on and off, on, off, on longer, off shorter.... I dried my hands and slowly exited the restroom - little Kryspy in hysterics in my head.

In the hallway I was debating sticking around, maybe loitering near a desk with a good view of the door so I could see whose shoes I'd seen. I was convinced I was going to have a huge laugh over this. I had my phone - I could take a discreet picture or better yet go back in and record! I think I'm sick but it was really funny. They were really old looking toes!

Just as I had a game plan worked out on how I would catch this person I heard that buzzing again. What's going on? Little Kryspy stopped laughing for one second. When I realized it was construction work on the floor above me I almost peed myself - in fact I probably would have but I had just been in the restroom. I'll give you a second too...

Why is it that all this really funny shit only happens to me when I'm alone and can't immediately share it with anyone?

Hope you all laughed out loud and fell out of your chair as your boss walked by :)

My son the boogie extractor - G9 if you have kids - G1 and kinda gross if you don't

This evening I was driving somewhere and Michael pipes in from the luxurious dedicated throne of his in the backseat..."Mommy - I need a tissue. There's something yucky in my mouth" so I hand him a tissue and ask him what it was. He promptly answers rather non-chalantly, "A boogie". So I of course have to ask how it got in there to begin with. He says in his little toddler logical way, "Well...I put it in there Mommy! ???" When I asked him if he is allowed to put boogies in his mouth he says no but it's Thursday you see so its ok - all while using some crazy hand gestures that clearly meant Thursday is OK-to-put-boogies-in-your-mouth-and-spit-them-out day.
Duh. What was I thinking....

BTW - he got lucky on the Thursday thing. Usually it's Sunday or Friday on Monday or Tuesday.

5AM Workouts - G0 on the giggle scale (this blows)

Going from athlete to fat girl was fun. (this over a course of 20 years mind you) I got to drink alot (did I say alot - I should say a ton) eat (very bad habits here - Raviolis at 4AM - yum) and be merry. I could maintain or gain and didn't care much. I never obsessed about any of it as long as I didn't have to shop at Lane Bryant.

Then along came Michael. I had almost 10 months of I-can-eat-anything-I-want "freedom" because I was growing my parasite. The mid-wife warned me that it would be really tough to get rid of the fat later but I didn't believe her. I'd done it before and I felt giddy any way. I was having a baby - woohoo!

So now I want to be married and I can't eat or drink hardly anything. Going from fat girl to athlete or at least more atletically (my play on aesthetics for those of you who think I can't spell) pleasing to the eye sucks.

So we started this 5AM workout regimen - yes I'm that dedicated - hahahaha - more like stupid but let me go on. Brent is fantastic about it. He gets up religiously, runs a mad mile, pumps some iron, showers, has breakfast and runs off to work. I on the other hand slowly, creakily, saunter down the stairs, wait for the mad run to end unless I waited in bed of course, get in a leisurely 10-15 minute walk (sometimes I opt for the quick sprint), stretch my aching calves and back, do some arbitrary stretching, pump my 10lb weights for one or two reps, spin on the Red Dot (ultimately faking my ab workout), go upstairs, make breakfast, pack lunches, shower, fight with Michael to go to daycare and go to work. That is if I even get up. If I don't you can skip to the shower and the mad scramble to get lunches packed, boy dressed and out the door.

So we've been doing this for over a month. Brent looks fantastic and I gained weight I think anyway. AND I've been bitching about it the whole time and justifying my binge on chocolate as the whole effort being pointless. Until today. I don't know if I lost any weight (I think I broke the scale the last time I checked) but I feel great for the first time since we started. I feel like I want to go work out now.

I'm not expecting any miracles and I'm not going to say I'm going to give it my all and keep at it. However I will share with you that time when I flew off (ok take this one lightly - I'm not a beach ball) the end of that treadmill because I set it too fast and couldn't keep up or the time when I dropped that stupid 10lb weight on the edge of my shoe. Oh and my favorite...jiggling. I'll leave it at that and let you imagine - tastefully what I could possibly mean.

Until the next thought invades my brain...and causes a giggle to run down my back...

Me Blog...me giggle - G12 (Giggle factor 12 on the 10 scale)

Been a really long time and since my last post tons has changed. I'm shooting for posting at least 3 times a week. That should get me caught up and keep me occupied. As usual these are my own silly musings. Check back in a day or two and enjoy!

The Faucet Fiasco

Let me start with - crap like this just happens to me. If a camera followed me all day long with a little band that could play circus or caliope music or keystone kops stuff I'd make a fortune. Reality comedy...so ludicrous it must be real.

Did you know that a leaky faucet in a bathroom (when messed with because you are convinced you can easily just tighten it) can and will shoot hard and high enough to hit the ceiling thus resulting in the flooding of an entire bathroom and leakage into the basement through the vents and walls?

Did you also know that said activities would freak out a 2.5 year old to the point of heaving bawling. We're talking pure terror here. Not sure if it was the water or perhaps I too was screaming - I really don't recall.

No building should ever be built with only a main water shut off valve hidden in the basement where you would never think to look. Ran up and down twice to find it (water shooting up the whole time). 12 bath towels later, a soaking mom and toddler, many tears and a surprise visit from the boyfriend who thought the looks on our faces was priceless when he walked in - we have a new faucet in place. Sheesh.

Just thought I'd share :)

If you aren't rolling over laughing you aren't picturing me in a tiny bathroom with my son peering over the sink "helping" when Old Faithful burst through my faucet and wouldn't be controlled or stopped. If it helps picture me holding my hand over the geyser with water spraying horizontally then unsuccessfully trying to stuff the thing that shot out back in. If that's not enough how about frantically searching for a valve in the basement while water was dripping down on me.

Have a great day!

To this I must add the Giggle factor rating. This episode rates a mere 7 on the 10 scale or G7 which is really the 7-12 scale because why would I bother with anything below a 7???