You all know what I'm talking about, farting, poop plopping and the occasional buzzing...yes I said buzzing.
If you are like me (boy do I hope you're not - it's crazy in here) then trips to public restrooms are a trial in self-control. I always have been and will always be hyper sensitive to bodily sounds in public places where I don't know anyone. Totally different story amongst super close friends and family though as I know many of you can attest.
The other day I was in a stall and there was someone in the stall next to me equally sensitive from what I could tell - you know not making any noise but very noisily running the toilet paper roll around and around. I took note of her shoes - not sure why I did but I always do and I am of course assuming she was a she. They were brown snake-skin open toe mules with thick black heels at about an inch. If my sisters were with me they could have told you the designer. I'm not that good or that interested.
So I finish quietly of course, exit the stall and proceed to wash my hands vigorously - I've become a bit obsessed with clean hands. Actually I was stalling. As I was exiting the stall I heard a very distinctive and tell-tale buzzing. Oh yeah - I said buzzing. It was brief but I know that's what I heard. So in my head little Kryspy was saying - "There is no f-ing way that's what you think it is - you're at WORK???!!!" Well I couldn't hear it while the water was running but as soon as I turned off the faucet there it was again. And it was intermittent so I could hear it going on and off, on, off, on longer, off shorter.... I dried my hands and slowly exited the restroom - little Kryspy in hysterics in my head.
In the hallway I was debating sticking around, maybe loitering near a desk with a good view of the door so I could see whose shoes I'd seen. I was convinced I was going to have a huge laugh over this. I had my phone - I could take a discreet picture or better yet go back in and record! I think I'm sick but it was really funny. They were really old looking toes!
Just as I had a game plan worked out on how I would catch this person I heard that buzzing again. What's going on? Little Kryspy stopped laughing for one second. When I realized it was construction work on the floor above me I almost peed myself - in fact I probably would have but I had just been in the restroom. I'll give you a second too...
Why is it that all this really funny shit only happens to me when I'm alone and can't immediately share it with anyone?
Hope you all laughed out loud and fell out of your chair as your boss walked by :)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
My son the boogie extractor - G9 if you have kids - G1 and kinda gross if you don't
This evening I was driving somewhere and Michael pipes in from the luxurious dedicated throne of his in the backseat..."Mommy - I need a tissue. There's something yucky in my mouth" so I hand him a tissue and ask him what it was. He promptly answers rather non-chalantly, "A boogie". So I of course have to ask how it got in there to begin with. He says in his little toddler logical way, "Well...I put it in there Mommy! ???" When I asked him if he is allowed to put boogies in his mouth he says no but it's Thursday you see so its ok - all while using some crazy hand gestures that clearly meant Thursday is OK-to-put-boogies-in-your-mouth-and-spit-them-out day.
Duh. What was I thinking....
BTW - he got lucky on the Thursday thing. Usually it's Sunday or Friday on Monday or Tuesday.
Duh. What was I thinking....
BTW - he got lucky on the Thursday thing. Usually it's Sunday or Friday on Monday or Tuesday.
5AM Workouts - G0 on the giggle scale (this blows)
Going from athlete to fat girl was fun. (this over a course of 20 years mind you) I got to drink alot (did I say alot - I should say a ton) eat (very bad habits here - Raviolis at 4AM - yum) and be merry. I could maintain or gain and didn't care much. I never obsessed about any of it as long as I didn't have to shop at Lane Bryant.
Then along came Michael. I had almost 10 months of I-can-eat-anything-I-want "freedom" because I was growing my parasite. The mid-wife warned me that it would be really tough to get rid of the fat later but I didn't believe her. I'd done it before and I felt giddy any way. I was having a baby - woohoo!
So now I want to be married and I can't eat or drink hardly anything. Going from fat girl to athlete or at least more atletically (my play on aesthetics for those of you who think I can't spell) pleasing to the eye sucks.
So we started this 5AM workout regimen - yes I'm that dedicated - hahahaha - more like stupid but let me go on. Brent is fantastic about it. He gets up religiously, runs a mad mile, pumps some iron, showers, has breakfast and runs off to work. I on the other hand slowly, creakily, saunter down the stairs, wait for the mad run to end unless I waited in bed of course, get in a leisurely 10-15 minute walk (sometimes I opt for the quick sprint), stretch my aching calves and back, do some arbitrary stretching, pump my 10lb weights for one or two reps, spin on the Red Dot (ultimately faking my ab workout), go upstairs, make breakfast, pack lunches, shower, fight with Michael to go to daycare and go to work. That is if I even get up. If I don't you can skip to the shower and the mad scramble to get lunches packed, boy dressed and out the door.
So we've been doing this for over a month. Brent looks fantastic and I gained weight I think anyway. AND I've been bitching about it the whole time and justifying my binge on chocolate as the whole effort being pointless. Until today. I don't know if I lost any weight (I think I broke the scale the last time I checked) but I feel great for the first time since we started. I feel like I want to go work out now.
I'm not expecting any miracles and I'm not going to say I'm going to give it my all and keep at it. However I will share with you that time when I flew off (ok take this one lightly - I'm not a beach ball) the end of that treadmill because I set it too fast and couldn't keep up or the time when I dropped that stupid 10lb weight on the edge of my shoe. Oh and my favorite...jiggling. I'll leave it at that and let you imagine - tastefully what I could possibly mean.
Until the next thought invades my brain...and causes a giggle to run down my back...
Then along came Michael. I had almost 10 months of I-can-eat-anything-I-want "freedom" because I was growing my parasite. The mid-wife warned me that it would be really tough to get rid of the fat later but I didn't believe her. I'd done it before and I felt giddy any way. I was having a baby - woohoo!
So now I want to be married and I can't eat or drink hardly anything. Going from fat girl to athlete or at least more atletically (my play on aesthetics for those of you who think I can't spell) pleasing to the eye sucks.
So we started this 5AM workout regimen - yes I'm that dedicated - hahahaha - more like stupid but let me go on. Brent is fantastic about it. He gets up religiously, runs a mad mile, pumps some iron, showers, has breakfast and runs off to work. I on the other hand slowly, creakily, saunter down the stairs, wait for the mad run to end unless I waited in bed of course, get in a leisurely 10-15 minute walk (sometimes I opt for the quick sprint), stretch my aching calves and back, do some arbitrary stretching, pump my 10lb weights for one or two reps, spin on the Red Dot (ultimately faking my ab workout), go upstairs, make breakfast, pack lunches, shower, fight with Michael to go to daycare and go to work. That is if I even get up. If I don't you can skip to the shower and the mad scramble to get lunches packed, boy dressed and out the door.
So we've been doing this for over a month. Brent looks fantastic and I gained weight I think anyway. AND I've been bitching about it the whole time and justifying my binge on chocolate as the whole effort being pointless. Until today. I don't know if I lost any weight (I think I broke the scale the last time I checked) but I feel great for the first time since we started. I feel like I want to go work out now.
I'm not expecting any miracles and I'm not going to say I'm going to give it my all and keep at it. However I will share with you that time when I flew off (ok take this one lightly - I'm not a beach ball) the end of that treadmill because I set it too fast and couldn't keep up or the time when I dropped that stupid 10lb weight on the edge of my shoe. Oh and my favorite...jiggling. I'll leave it at that and let you imagine - tastefully what I could possibly mean.
Until the next thought invades my brain...and causes a giggle to run down my back...
Me Blog...me giggle - G12 (Giggle factor 12 on the 10 scale)
Been a really long time and since my last post tons has changed. I'm shooting for posting at least 3 times a week. That should get me caught up and keep me occupied. As usual these are my own silly musings. Check back in a day or two and enjoy!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Faucet Fiasco
Let me start with - crap like this just happens to me. If a camera followed me all day long with a little band that could play circus or caliope music or keystone kops stuff I'd make a fortune. Reality comedy...so ludicrous it must be real.
Did you know that a leaky faucet in a bathroom (when messed with because you are convinced you can easily just tighten it) can and will shoot hard and high enough to hit the ceiling thus resulting in the flooding of an entire bathroom and leakage into the basement through the vents and walls?
Did you also know that said activities would freak out a 2.5 year old to the point of heaving bawling. We're talking pure terror here. Not sure if it was the water or perhaps I too was screaming - I really don't recall.
No building should ever be built with only a main water shut off valve hidden in the basement where you would never think to look. Ran up and down twice to find it (water shooting up the whole time). 12 bath towels later, a soaking mom and toddler, many tears and a surprise visit from the boyfriend who thought the looks on our faces was priceless when he walked in - we have a new faucet in place. Sheesh.
Just thought I'd share :)
If you aren't rolling over laughing you aren't picturing me in a tiny bathroom with my son peering over the sink "helping" when Old Faithful burst through my faucet and wouldn't be controlled or stopped. If it helps picture me holding my hand over the geyser with water spraying horizontally then unsuccessfully trying to stuff the thing that shot out back in. If that's not enough how about frantically searching for a valve in the basement while water was dripping down on me.
Have a great day!
To this I must add the Giggle factor rating. This episode rates a mere 7 on the 10 scale or G7 which is really the 7-12 scale because why would I bother with anything below a 7???
Did you know that a leaky faucet in a bathroom (when messed with because you are convinced you can easily just tighten it) can and will shoot hard and high enough to hit the ceiling thus resulting in the flooding of an entire bathroom and leakage into the basement through the vents and walls?
Did you also know that said activities would freak out a 2.5 year old to the point of heaving bawling. We're talking pure terror here. Not sure if it was the water or perhaps I too was screaming - I really don't recall.
No building should ever be built with only a main water shut off valve hidden in the basement where you would never think to look. Ran up and down twice to find it (water shooting up the whole time). 12 bath towels later, a soaking mom and toddler, many tears and a surprise visit from the boyfriend who thought the looks on our faces was priceless when he walked in - we have a new faucet in place. Sheesh.
Just thought I'd share :)
If you aren't rolling over laughing you aren't picturing me in a tiny bathroom with my son peering over the sink "helping" when Old Faithful burst through my faucet and wouldn't be controlled or stopped. If it helps picture me holding my hand over the geyser with water spraying horizontally then unsuccessfully trying to stuff the thing that shot out back in. If that's not enough how about frantically searching for a valve in the basement while water was dripping down on me.
Have a great day!
To this I must add the Giggle factor rating. This episode rates a mere 7 on the 10 scale or G7 which is really the 7-12 scale because why would I bother with anything below a 7???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
